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PLEASE NOTE: This is the LARGE PRINT edition of On Hearing of My Mother's Death Six Years After It Happened. A standard size paperback is also available.
It was the spring of 1989. I was sixteen years old, a junior in high school and an honors student. I had what every teenager wants: a stable family, a nice home in the suburbs, a great group of friends, big plans for my future, and no reason to believe that any of that would ever change.
Then came my mother's psychosis.
I experienced first-hand the terror of watching someone I loved transform into a monster, the terror of discovering that I was to be her primary victim. For years I’ve lived with the sadness of knowing that she, too, was a helpless victim – a victim of a terrible disease that consumed and destroyed the strong and caring woman I had once called Mom.
My mother's illness took everything. My family, my home, my friends, my future. A year and a half later I would be living alone on the street on the other side of the country, wondering whether I could even survive on my own.
But I did. That was how my mother - my real mother - raised me. To survive.
She, too, was a survivor. It wasn't until last year that I learned that she had died - in 2007. No one will ever know her side of the story now. But perhaps, at last, it’s time for me to tell mine.
This LARGE PRINT edition of On Hearing of My Mother's Death Six Years After It Happened is printed in 18-point font for easy readability.
- Sales Rank: #2878541 in Books
- Published on: 2015-02-14
- Format: Large Print
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 11.00" h x .25" w x 8.50" l, .58 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 108 pages
Review
Winner of a GOLD MEDAL in the 2015 eLit Book Awards!
About the Author
Lori Schafer is a writer of serious prose and humorous erotica and romance. Her flash fiction, short stories, and essays have appeared in numerous print and online publications, and her first two books were published in November 2014. On Hearing of My Mother’s Death Six Years After It Happened: A Daughter's Memoir of Mental Illness commemorates Lori's terrifying adolescent experience of her mother's psychosis, while Stories from My Memory-Shelf: Fiction and Essays from My Past is an autobiographical collection featuring stories and essays inspired by other events from Lori's own life. In the summer of 2014, Lori began work on a second memoir, The Long Road Home, during the course of a two-month-long journey across the United States and Canada. She anticipates that it will be ready for publication in 2016.
Lori’s first two novels, My Life with Michael: A Novel of Sex, Beer and Middle Age and Just the Three of Us: An Erotic Romantic Comedy for the Commitment-Challenged, were released early in 2015. She is currently at work on a third novel, a sequel to Just the Three of Us. When she isn't writing (which isn't often), Lori enjoys playing ice hockey, attending beer festivals, and spending long afternoons reading at the beach in the sunshine.
For further information on Lori’s upcoming projects, please visit her website at http://lorilschafer.com, where you may subscribe to her newsletter or follow her blog. You are also welcome to email her directly at lorilschafer(at)outlook(dot)com.
Most helpful customer reviews
16 of 17 people found the following review helpful.
Great writing, would like more detail and less fiction
By Mia
I read the author’s short teaser for this book probably a month ago and was very excited to hear the rest of her story. My life has been touched by people with similar mental health issues and so I have a personal interest in reading about others who have been through similar situations and how they coped. I think this writer has an excellent ‘voice’ and she certainly has a wealth of information to draw from and I want to be supportive, so please understand that this review contains CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and isn’t meant to deter people from reading or the author from writing.
Firstly, this book is pretty short. I read the whole thing, cover to cover, while in the bath – so maybe an hour? The length wasn’t really a problem, although I was disappointed that more of the book wasn’t based on new material. The opening chapter is the same as what was used for the preview, which is understandable, but there are many other parts of the book that are pulled from existing writing, including fiction. I think that there is value in showing the reader that these incidences in your life have made such a mark that you’ve been able to write copious amounts of fiction based on them. But I felt like it would have been better to tell the audience about those (or include them in an appendix), rather than to include them in the book. This is meant to be a memoir so I would have preferred that the author stay “in the moment” and not step away into fiction. Also, it caused some confusion later – there were numerous places where the narrative broke into fiction and then back in to reality but there was never a designation of which was which. In my opinion, that made everything a little jumbled. I believe that the author used her fiction writing so that she didn’t have to re-write the actual incident which may not have been as “interesting” as the fictional version (i.e., she says that the incident of hiding out in the step-grandmother’s house was not at Thanksgiving but just a normal day). I think on this point, the author is wrong. It doesn’t have to be a holiday to make it interesting – the fact that your mother was hiding out in someone’s house in order to spy is interesting enough. Truth is stranger than fiction.
Also, I would have liked to hear more about day-to-day life at home with her mother. She jumps between big events (the opening chapter, running away, etc.) without covering the middle ground. There are enough bits and pieces (the recent divorce, the situation with the sister/nephew, etc.) that are dropped in to let the reader know that they’re missing out on a lot of stuff. Again, it feels like the author held back because these details are probably somewhat mundane but I have a feeling that they weren’t boring details – the fact that the author felt so hurt and angry that she left home and never looked back tells me that there was a LOT that happened in between. That’s what I’d be interested to hear.
The biggest portion of the book deals with the author’s homelessness, which was a result of her running away from her mother’s behavior. It clearly was the most impactful time in the author’s life and she has included some really great stories here. Although I was proud of this young girl figuring out how to survive on her own, my heart ached for her because she was unaware of all the services available to her – especially in the Bay Area, there are so many resources for runaways and homeless people of all types. But her inability to trust people is what kept her apart and what was, ultimately, the legacy that her mother left her. Unfortunately, it feels a bit like her inability to trust us as readers has kept her from being very open in her memoir.
I hope that someday she writes a more complete story. I would be very interested in reading all of the “in between” scenes and hearing about her final year at home. Not as a “looky-loo” but as someone who has experienced something similar, it’s always a comfort to know that you’re not alone. That someone else has experienced the “spies in the attic” delusions but also the general embarrassment of being in public (in high school!) with someone who is clearly unstable.
12 of 13 people found the following review helpful.
A MUST READ if you had a mentally ill parent – or two!
By A Reader
I'm trembling inside because I want to do justice to this wonderful book in my review. I am tempted to wimp out and say no more than “this book is great!” But wimping out is not who I am. Well... not usually. :)
Taking a deep breath now while I remind myself of my motto: Fear No Truth. (You cannot effectively deal with reality if you fearfully refuse to face it.)
The truth is that I relate to this amazing book on a number of levels. First, as a daughter struggling to grow up and find her way in life despite having, in my case, two severely disordered parents. Lori Schafer's mother, as described in this riveting memoir, is basically a composite of both my parents.
As the daughter of two badly broken people who had no business being parents in the first place, many passages in Lori's book leaped off the page and hit me right in my heart. Here is one example:
When Mom first lost her marbles, I spent a lot of time trying to explain the things she said and did to other people. Oftentimes they wouldn't believe me. “But why would she do that?” they'd reply. “It makes no sense!” No, it made no sense. .....it's a mistake to try to evaluate the behavior of the severely mentally ill by the standards of rational people.
~Yes. Exactly right. That's why they call it “crazy.”
I'm taking another deep breath now. Here is where my “Fear No Truth” motto comes into play. You see, I also relate to this wonderful/terrible book because I, too, was a badly broken woman who had no business being a parent.
I have never regretted bringing my three now-adult children into the world. I love them all dearly and I'm deeply thankful that my children, grandchildren, and great-grandson are all here. However, when I had my first son at the age of eighteen and a daughter and a second son when I was in my twenties, I had no clue as to how inadequate I would be as their mother. I did not know, way back then, that I have had severe complex PTSD since my early childhood. But even if I had known this, I would never have been able to guess how my emotional condition would impact my children's lives.
PTSD did not become an official psychiatric label until the year before my youngest child was born. But even then, it was years before mainstream psychiatry began to put PTSD together with trauma other than the horror of war. My own PTSD was not diagnosed until the year I turned fifty. When I finally found some real help for what was “wrong” with me, my children were already grown with children of their own.
The psychiatrist who, after a full battery of tests, diagnosed my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (Paul Meier, MD, author or co-author of over eighty books) told me that PTSD is a normal reaction to overwhelming trauma, just as bleeding is a normal reaction to being stabbed. “Normal,” in this sense, does not mean “healthy.” Obviously, if you are bleeding from a stab wound, you aren't in the best of health. However, having a PTSD reaction to overwhelming trauma is normal because it does not mean you are inherently weak or crazy or otherwise inferior. The healthiest, strongest, sanest people will bleed if they are stabbed. Likewise, the healthiest, strongest, sanest people can develop PTSD after overwhelming trauma.
Modern brain-imaging technologies have revealed that severe trauma actually changes the brain's structure and function. This is why people with PTSD can't just “get over it.” Like someone who was paralyzed in a car crash years ago, the traumatic event may be in the distant past, but the injury it caused is still present.
Beating a paralyzed person for not getting up and walking does not help them. Likewise, shunning and shaming someone for having PTSD will only make the situation that much worse.
I have another motto: Treat PTSD (and all mental illness labels) with C.A.R.E.: Compassion, Acceptance, Respect, and Encouragement.
Society's isolating, humiliating STIGMA against mental illness is, I believe, the primary reason why people like Lori's mother, people like my parents, and people like me, don't get help a lot sooner, if ever. This is tragic for the mentally ill – and downright criminal when it comes to their innocent, bewildered children.
I am tempted to quote more wonderful passages from this well-written, spellbinding book, but I think I've gone on long enough. Take it from me, if you had a mentally ill parent, or if you fall into that category yourself, don't wait, buy this book right now. It's a hard story but it is also a hopeful story that ends well: Lori Schafer, a grown woman with a brilliant mind, a beautiful soul, and a successful life – Survivor Extraordinaire!
I just want to say to the author: You are about my daughter's age right now and I am close to the age your mother was when she died. I'm sorry she was never able or willing to tell you the words you needed and had every right to hear. I'm sorry she never told you how sorry SHE was for being so badly broken and for wounding you – almost destroying you – with her sharp broken edges. I'm sorry she never told you that you handled it EXACTLY RIGHT: you saved your own life! Any half-way sane mother would want you to do that very thing. This is what being a real mom means.
You deserved a normal life, as all children do. You deserved a safe, nurturing childhood, a happy home and plenty of nourishing food and a clean warm comfortable bed – of your own. You deserved so much more than you got.
You are a daughter that any normal mother would be super thrilled to claim. What you have endured, what you have done with your life despite everything, is absolutely mind-boggling. You did not deserve even one minute of the hell your broken mother put you through. Perhaps she really did do the best she could within the confines of her mental illness. But SHAME on the adults who must have seen what was happening and who took the easy way out of not getting involved.
Like I've said to my adult children: telling you that your mother “did the best she could” or “didn't mean to hurt you” may have made her feel better, but it is not helpful to YOU. If a trucker has a heart attack, passes out and unintentionally runs his 18-wheeler right over you – understanding that he did the best he could and didn't mean to crush you with his truck, isn't going to make your injuries better.
Thank you for writing this book, Lori. I know it couldn't have been easy. I have been trying to write my story for almost forty years and I am still at least a year away from having it ready for publication. If I ever do get it ready, that is. So – WOW. You are amazing.
Unlike too many memoirs being self-published these days, although your story is a tough one, it is not a downer to read. On the contrary, your book is insightful, helpful, and healing. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
A Must Read !
By Readerofallthings
One can only wonder what would lead someone to not know of their mother’s passing until such a long time after the fact. And then you read this story.
It touches you, and it moves you. It makes you angry, and hopeful. You do not feel sorry for the main character, you just feel sad. Sad that someone would have to go through such a difficult situation. Sad that someone was robbed of a loving mother due to an illness that affects so many, and is yet so hard for most to talk about.
The author is not looking for sympathy, or anyone to feel sorry for her. She does not have a “woe-is-me” attitude. She made the best out of a very tough situation, and persevered; succeeded; beat the odds when so many others would have given up.
Have you felt true fear? The type of fear that comes from within you and makes every nerve in your body alive as if electrified over and over again? This is the sense of fear you feel as you read about a girl whose mother went to school with her every day, convinced someone was going to harm her. And she was the only one harming her. Calm and normal one minute, angry and physically violent the next.
Running away from home, living on the streets, knowing true hunger not for days on end, but for months on end. This was still better than living at home.
This is a story of mental illness, strength, and unending determination. A story about what one young woman did to survive when she had no other choice. It is a story about a disease that is only talked about behind closed doors, with only the closest of relatives. This was a subject you did not want your friends and neighbors knowing about. But of course they did know. How could they not?
If you have ever experienced mental illness in your personal life, you do not want to pass up this story. It is an easy read, not full of medical jargon that has you reaching for a dictionary. I have been witness to this type of behavior in a loved one, and the effects can be truly devastating to a family. It is time to start talking about mental illness, and stop ignoring it. It does not go away. It will not go away.
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